Swimming upstream

Blue skies - happy days!

The other day I went for a ride. Nothing particularly surprising about that, I ride my bike fairly frequently. But my mind was different. For the first time I was not worrying about whether my body was going to seize up on me, not getting frustrated that everybody else can ride without getting broken but I can't. I was just riding, going with the flow and enjoying myself.

Challenging

The first half of this year has been full of challenges. I have pushed myself to overcome the mental and physical barriers that have stopped me from doing fun things like mountain biking. I have watched others easily pick up bikes and ride things which terrify me and I have been frustrated. I told myself I was happy with what I had achieved, that I was able to ride things that I couldn't before, but I still felt frustrated.

I watched my friends fill their lives with activities, on bike and off, while I just felt tired. I wondered how these people fit so much into their lives, when I was struggling just coping with work. I tried to do things, to cook, to ride, to be social, but I just ended up curled up with a book, trying to get away from the world.

Small moments of joy

I felt like I fought so hard, but I had nothing left. I was worried that this was the rest of my life, watching others live, while I struggled to get through each day. I remembered having energy, feeling like life was full of interesting and wonderful things, but I didn't know how to get back there. I had set my sights on a goal upstream and I was trying my hardest to get there, but the current was just too strong.

I'd been keeping an eye on a movie I wanted to see, which a friend of mine helped put together. The movie is called "Embrace" and, while I haven't seen it yet, one of the questions it puts to people is to describe their bodies in just one word. My instantaneous response to that was "frustrated". I was frustrated at my body's inability to do the things I wanted to do. But I was blaming the wrong part of me.

More blue skies

The night before I went for a ride, I finally let go. I "treated myself" by watching some meditation videos that I'd been meaning to watch for ages and hadn't because I hadn't done all the other things that I kept telling myself I needed to do. I lay on the couch, in the warmth, and listened to a beautiful soothing voice. And then I relaxed.

The next morning, when I got up, instead of focusing on whether or not I would make it up the hills, whether I would complete the distance I wanted to do, I told my body it felt good. I told my body that it was going to be an awesome day. I told my body that it was going to be fine. And I told my mind that it didn't matter how far, or how fast. I told my mind that the day was going to be awesome, that I would go with the flow.

Then I got on my bike and rode under blue skies with my best mate by my side. And you know what? It doesn't get much more awesome than that!

Riding with my best mate - good times!