Hello, My name is Virginia, and I have depression

That was ridiculously hard to write. So the obvious question is why am I writing it? Because I need to, because I need to stop being afraid of part of who I am. But why make it public? Because I'm afraid that it will change how people treat me and what they think of me, for the worse. Because when I'm confronted with a form that requests medical conditions, I'm not afraid to put down asthma, but I am afraid to put down depression. Because I don't want to live with that fear any more, and ultimately, this is my blog so I can write what I like!

It's ok if you don't want to read this, it's not for everybody. It's ok if you do want to read this and if you want to talk to me about it. Just maybe not at full volume on a crowded train! This is my story, the story of a part of me that for the most part stays hidden.

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.
I focused on the pain, the only thing that's real."*

Those two lines sum up most of my teenage years as well as a good part of my twenties. Depression for me started with pain, a searing agony in my heart that nothing would fix. Then came the anger and frustration, I could do nothing and nobody understood. Finally there was the dissociation, as if I was living in a dream, everything seemed surreal and so far away.

I've always been a bit of a know it all, and I was definitely worse as a teenager, so when depression hit, I thought I could handle it. More the point, I thought that there was no way all those adults whose lives were so perfect could remotely understand what I was going through. The funny thing is, given the statistics on depression it's highly likely that at least one of those adults also suffered. But I was a teenager and the world revolved around me!

"What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away in the end."*

By the time I reached university, I realised something was wrong with me (I know, slow learner), but I wasn't ready to deal with it. There was probably a great deal of self medicating during those years, but in my head that was just put down to finally being an adult and being able to make my own (usually pretty terrible) choices. I suspect a lot of the people I knew at that point in time in my life also suffered from various forms of mental illness, so we became our own informal therapy. Though none of us would necessarily admit to it. We were just "different".

The turning point for me came in my mid twenties. New friends brought different ideas into my life and at the time we had gathered together to celebrate the coming of spring. Part of this was acknowledging what you were grateful for and it came to me then that I was grateful for my life. For the best part of ten years I had been convinced that I was not meant to be here. I had narrowly escaped death by horse accident at 14, shortly before I started suffering from depression and the close association of the two left me convinced that it was a mistake that I was alive. But that evening, surrounded by friends, I was finally grateful for the wonderful opportunity that this life presents, rather than resentful for the incredible pain it had put me through.

It was still a few more years before I really started to get a handle on how to manage it. Joining Aquaterra was another turning point, being surrounded by people who were intelligent and active made me start getting more active. As it turns out, exercise is a big help in managing my depression, but I had been too depressed to try. My workmates inadvertently provided me with the support and challenges I needed to start making a difference in my life.

I think at this point in time my head cleared and I was able to understand what was happening to me a little better. I like to fix things, but you need to be able to understand what's broken to fix it. It's easy to come up with reasons why you're depressed, nobodies life is ever perfect. But for me, I realised it wasn't outside influences making me depressed, simply that I had depression. For no reason. I have the unenviable ability to feel achingly sad and in agonising pain for no reason. Breaks your head, doesn't it?

But that also set me free in a way. I now know that there is nothing wrong in my life if I have a bout of depression. In a way, it's like having an asthma attack, it doesn't mean I need to fix something, I just need to take my medication and wait for it to pass. The medication tastes a lot better than my asthma medication as well, generally I use a good dose of exercise, preferably outside, getting my hands dirty in the garden or kitchen or the company of good friends. When it gets really bad, I sing. Silly songs about rocket ships and flying cars, airships and clockwork dolls. Or, if I'm really desperate, I sing about the dreadful wind and the rain!

But if it's really bad, and I'm stuck in bed with tears rolling from my eyes for no apparent reason, then I think of all the happy memories I have with my wonderful friends and family. I hold them close to my heart and know that the depression will pass.

So, this is my confession, that I have depression. It's a disease that can kill, more the point, it's a disease that makes you want to die. But each day I get up and I am grateful for my life. I am even more grateful for the times that I am filled with joy and happiness, which appear to be increasing as I get older. I accept that it is a part of me, but not the whole part. And I no longer wish to live in fear of it. 


*Lyrics are from "Hurt" originally written by Trent Reznor from NIN, however the version I always have in my head was sung by Jeff Martin from the Tea Party.

Amy's Gran Fondo 2014

How I feel about the Fondo!

. . . or how to ride with an empty tank!

This years Gran Fondo was the third time that I had participated in this event, and I originally had grand plans of possibly even training to improve my time. I thought this might actually be quite difficult, as I had improved my time up the all important Skenes Creek Road last year, with the aid of significant anger and frustration from some work related issues. I wasn't too keen to experience more of that anger and frustration, so my plan was to do actual training, especially in the hills.

 

Gorgeous Lorne

 

 

 

All this was put on hold when I got a particularly nasty cold about 6 weeks out from the event. Still that was far enough out that I could still hope to do a bit of hills training and hope for the best. Mr Carl and I even drove out to the hills so we could do concentrated hills training. On my day off, I diligently road up Ansteys hill, struggling with some mechanical issues, but absolutely flying up the hill. Things weren't looking too bad, when, a week and a half out from the Fondo, disaster struck!

The view from the road

  

 

 

 

Mr Carl had come down with the flu! I was hopeful it was just a belated version of the cold I previously had and that I wouldn't catch it, but it was not to be. The weekend before the Fondo, Carl and I were on bed rest. All our plans for a final training ride were shelved as we struggled to get out of bed long enough to eat. 

 

 

Mr Carl recovering

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thankfully over the next week we slowly recovered, however neither of us were all that hopeful of improving our time, we'd be lucky if we could actually complete the ride! With that in mind we made a new plan - have fun!

 

 

 

 

A good time to be a tourist

Shakedown!

 

 

Lorne made it very easy to carry out this plan, turning on some glorious weather. It was still a little overcast on the Saturday when we went for our shakedown ride, but it cleared up to be an almost perfect day on the Sunday. 

 

 

 

 

 

Our shakedown ride was 30km along the Great Ocean Road and it revealed that while both of us seemed to be lacking a top gear, we could cruise along no worries. The question then became, would our cruising speed be enough to let us finish the course within the time cutoffs?

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting the fact that we felt we weren't quite up to speed, we made a plan. The plan was to make it to the top of Skenes Creek Road, about 50 km into the ride. After that, if we had to catch the sag wagon, so be it.

 

Springtime in Lorne

There were two additional complications that made me wonder if I was even meant to be doing this ride! One was that my bike seemed to have a different understanding of correct chain placement to me, and had an annoying tendency to drop the chain. What was even more annoying is that we couldn't get it to repeat it in workshop conditions, so we couldn't be sure any attempts to fix it would work. 

 

The Cog

 

 

The other complication was my back, which decided to have a panic attack on the Saturday night and send sharp, stabbing pains to my brain should I even think about bending. On the plus side, the treatment for this involved a spa, so it wasn't all bad! Still, in my head, I only had to make it half way, which wasn't so bad!

 

 

 

Pain face!

 

 

 

 

 

To distract us from all our concerns we headed out to watch other people suffer. As an additional attraction this year, Cycling Tips and the Amy Gillett Foundation had started an event called Amy's Wall. Conveniently located outside the pub, it's a race of about 130 m up a 20% incline. Prizes were given for the best pain face as well as the fastest times! Nothing gets the crowd going more than watching other people suffer! With that finished, it was off to grab some food and head to bed.

 

 

 

Best noodles ever!

 

Captain Smudge!

 

One local suggested that if you ever want to be guaranteed good weather for a wedding, hold it in Lorne on the day of the Fondo. Admittedly you'd have to share the space with a multitude of cyclists, but the weather would be good! And so it was for us, blue skies, little to no wind yet still cool enough to ride all day. 

 

 

 

A Happy Chewie!

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's always good to be in the company of friends and we were lucky enough to line up on the start line with an assortment of Smudge Monkees! In particular, I was pleased to start with Chewie, as we had pretty much crossed the finish line together last year. I suspected this year might be a different story!

 

 

More Happy Monkees!

 

 

Finally we were let loose and 5000 odd cyclists took off down the Great Ocean Road on a glorious spring day! Of course my chain tried to dislodge itself within the first few kilometres, but I've learnt a few tricks by now and was able to keep it from falling off completely. Obligatory mechanical out the way, we gently cruised along, the Monkees having pretty much dropped us from the bell! But it was never our intention to keep up with them, just to make it as far as we could with the cards we had been dealt. And that meant cruising along and enjoying ourselves! Maybe I should get sick more often ;)

 

 

 

 

Cycling = Happiness

The Great Ocean Road flew by beneath our wheels and all too soon we were facing the dreaded hill climb of Skenes Creek Road. I blogged about this section last year, so I won't go into too much detail this time round, but I will say that my attitude this time was very different. I just wanted to make it to the top without destroying myself and hopefully have enough left to complete the rest of the ride.

 

 

The top of Skenes

 

 

I found myself passing and being passed, and having enough energy and breathe to joke with people as I went by. My standard line was: "Passing on you're right ... slowly", which got a few chuckles. I played tag with a man, passing him and being passed by him in regular intervals. All in all I had fun, and after 50 minutes or so, I made it to the top.

 

 

 

 

Local Musos!

 

 

One of the fun things about the Fondo is the way the locals get into the spirit of things, which was aptly demonstrated by two bagpipers that greeted all the riders at the top of the hill, appropriately dressed in kilts. I actually love bagpipes, so this made my day and I could have quite happily sat there and listened to them for the rest of the day. Except for one thing, there was no water!

More views from the road

 

 

 

 

If I have one disappointment with the Fondo it is this, the first rest stop, which doesn't come until 50 km into the ride (a necessity due to logistical reasons I think) has been out of something every time I have done this ride. And water is the worse thing you could be out of. With this in mind, Mr Carl and I decided to head to the next rest stop, which was 20 km away and "mostly downhill".

 

 

 

The lack of water meant that I didn't eat anything substantial at the first rest stop and I really noticed it over the next 20 km. The legs had nothing and I wondered if I really was going to end up in the sag wagon. But thankfully, due not in the least to Mr Carl's infinite patience, we made it to the next rest stop, Forest, which had water, and more importantly - a sausage sizzle!

My support train

 

I regretted last year not getting a sausage from the enterprising locals at this stop so short of being terribly ill, I had vowed to get one this year! Thankfully Mr Carl actually did the buying while I collapsed on the grass with a friendly dog. He became even more friendly once I got my sausage, but there was no way I was sharing! The sausage really hit the spot and soon I was feeling back to my old self and ready to go. I wasn't going to quit yet!

 

 

Historical monuments

 

 

 

 

And boy was I glad I didn't! The next section of gentle rolling hills that I remembered as being absolutely horrible last year, were stunning, relaxing and fun! I suppose that's the difference that wind direction makes. Once again the road flew beneath our sausage powered bikes and within no time we had made it to Deans Marsh.

 

 

 

 

 

Stunning scenery

From Deans Marsh there was just one more hill before the finish, and as I spun/ground my way up there I was surprised to see a number of people walking. Admittedly I can relate, I've walked a few hills in my time and any hills at the end of a 110 km ride are going to be hard. I guess I'm used to being the one at the back, walking, and remembering that, I yelled out as many words of encouragement as I could! 

 

Feeling Good!

 

Finally I made it to the top and crossed the finish line, to be greeted by Mr Carl's smiling face. I was really surprised we had made it (well, mostly me, Mr Carl's that stubborn that the only thing that would have stopped him would've been me) and I was even more surprised that my bike had made it as the gears had been getting progressively worse. We've actually done some bike maintenance since and discovered that the rear gear cable had frayed, leaving only about 4 strands intact. That would explain the problems I had been having!

 

 

 

Getting into the spirit

 

 

From the finish we cruised down to the event village for pasta and whatever else we could get our hands on! We also caught up with the Smudge Monkees and a few other friends, all of whom had enjoyed their day thoroughly! The only things that remained to do were pizza, spa and gelati! 

 

Pizza!

 

 

 

Mr Carl and I enjoyed a relaxing recovery that night, surprised that we had made it and surprised that we weren't completely wiped out! We fully expected not to be able to move the next day, but were again pleasantly surprised that we felt good enough to spend a few hours shopping in Lorne (Christmas and birthday shopping done!). We had an inkling, looking at the times on the website, that we had done ok time wise, but without access to a computer, confirmation via Strava would have to wait.

 

 

 

Butterflies - perfect for pint sized visitors!

 

We finished our holiday with a detour to Melbourne, to see my now 1 year old niece, as well as spend my birthday with my sister who shares it! She treated us to a visit to the Melbourne Zoo, and it was lovely to see my niece be captivated by all the sights and sounds, even if some of them scared her!

 

 

 

More Butterflies!

 

 

When we finally made it home we did manage to unpack the car before we uploaded our garmins to Strava, but only just! And what a surprise awaited me! This was the quickest time I had done the course and the quickest time I had gone up Skenes Creek Road! I couldn't believe it! I'd like to think it had something to do with the level of base cycling fitness achieved through the bike tours we did last year as well as some hard work I've been putting in at the gym, but what ever the reason it was a wonderful surprise! Now I wonder what I can do if I actually train! ;)

 

Link to Strava here.

National CX - Mud Day 2

Mr Carl

Sunday dawned bright and clear, also notably warmer than Saturday and soon we were on our way to Zombie Park to race in Round 5 of the National Series. Actually, I had been bribed with beer to race with the Elite Women in the national series, whereas Mr Carl, wisely, decided to race in the support events. That meant that Mr Carl would be up first and I would actually get a decent chance to take photos of him!

CX makes you happy

  

I managed to sneak in a practice lap and had sussed out some good photo points. Alarmingly my heart rate seemed unusually high for the mellow pace of my practice lap, and combined with a stuffy nose I had a sneaking suspicion that I was coming down with a cold. Still, nothing a little cycling couldn't fix!

Last ride of the Mountain Bike!

After finishing my practice lap, I grabbed my camera and headed out to the hill, a steep, grassy knoll that we zigzagged across, up and down shortly after the race start. I think I missed the start of C grade and Open, which was a shame as I wanted to capture a picture of Kara, who probably deserved an award for most enthusiastic on the day, racing both C grade and Elites! 

Which way?

However I managed to get pictures of Nutella Bob, on his last CX ride with his mountain bike and Tim Loft, who is usually one of the course photographers. Tim is definitely in the running for honorary Bob membership after he apparently decided to stop after a couple of laps to photograph the race he was in! He also was a very skilled on course heckler, a clear indicator of having fun and not taking anything too seriously!

Right way!

With C grade and open completed it was now time for the packed out B grade race, including Mr Carl! Unfortunately a serious crash marred the start of the race, with PACC club president, Marky G managing to get out of all clean up duties by heading to the hospital. Thankfully, it wasn't quite as serious as well all imagined and he is currently on the mend.

Millo - pain face expert!

All of this was unknown to me as I waited, camera in hand, to capture the grimacing faces of the riders as they passed. First to come round was David Miller, who always has a wonderfully expressive pain face, particularly evident as he slogged up the hill. After a few more riders cam past I caught a glimpse of Mr Carl, still riding strongly in the pack! I think I was so busy cheering I forgot to take a photo!

Dan in the lead!

I captured many riders expressions as they slogged up the hill, and was pleased to see an awesome race unfolding between Carl, Ben (the guy who sold us our mountain bikes) and Dan. 

Pushing hard ...

The three of them were slugging it out and I cheered for all of them! I was so pleased to see Mr Carl in front, especially as he had been feeling a bit off the day before. However, I'll let him finish telling this story as it was time for me to transition from photographer into racer (or bike riding race participant).

... the Catch!

We had some time for a practice lap before the national series events started and I used this time to check how the course had changed. Not much had actually changed (unlike the day before where conditions had become significantly drier as the day went on) so I took it easy and tried to relax. There were about 20 or so girls in our race, with a certain dominance of the black and white of PACC! We may not always be the fastest but we like to have a go!

Chasing hard!

The race started and I took off, actually took off unlike the day before, still at the back but at least I could see people! I was a bit nervous approaching the hill, not wanting to get caught up with a whole bunch of people, which of course is exactly what happened. 

Concentration

The notoriously tough Gemma Kerich decided to investigate the grass at the base of the first descent which meant, due to some bike handling skills I didn't know I possessed, that I managed to pass her! I was in front of Gemma! Ok, it was for all of 10 seconds as she passed me on the uphill section, but it's probably not something I'm ever going to be able to say again!

Glee!

Actually being around other people in a technical section (the hill) kind of threw me, but by the end of the obstacle I was at my accustomed place at the back. This actually didn't worry me, racing with the elites, it was kind of expected! 
 

Effort

I was very impressed with Kara, who, though protesting about her lack of bike fitness and having raced in the morning, proceeded to stay strong and well in front of me the entire race! Possibly all that bush walking she's been doing has made her the super endurance woman!

Caught on camera!

My position at the back of the race was actually temporarily revoked as I passed one of the faster riders who had had an unfortunate encounter with a bee and a pothole. Full credit to her, she passed me about half a lap later, riding strong despite being in serious pain. I also stopped to remove a water bottle off the course, figuring if I'm at the back I might as well make sure everyone has a safe race! One day I'll actually develop a racing instinct, but I'll have to subdue my natural inclination for politeness (thanks Mum)!

This is how I got up the hill too!

Surprisingly, I didn't get lapped until two and a half laps in, which is a lot better than I expected. I had a lot of fun on this course and used the race to practice some of the technical skills I'd been trying to work on. My mantras for the race were "Look up" and "Don't touch the brakes" and I was getting the hang of it towards the end of the race. I even had enough left to have a sprint finish against another PACC rider (who was lapping me). All in all, it was a lot of fun and I was happy to be out racing with my mates. 

In the zone!

The day finished up with a beer with my CX bros as we watched the mens race unfold. I also met the new smudglet, Ruby and it was great to see the Smudge Monkees (who have recently become parents) out enjoying all things bike related!

A big thanks to the Port Adelaide Cycling Club crew who put this weekend together as well as everybody else who made it such an awesome event!

CX Bros and Beer! (photo courtesy of Kelly Robinson)

National CX - Mud Day 1

CX Happy Face

Mud, glorious mud! Mud can turn an already awesome cyclocross race into a grinning like a maniac, having fun like a ten year old kid event! And mud is what Adelaide brought to the National Cyclocross Championships! There was even a bit left over for the Round 5 of the National Cyclocross Race Series the next day! How could we not be grinning like idiots?

Mud!

If you haven't worked it out, last weekend Mr Carl and I decided to attend the awesome CX festival that was the National Cyclocross Championships on the Saturday and Round 5 of the National Cyclocross Race Series of the Sunday. We were racing both days, which is always an interesting proposition, as well as bringing out the cameras to capture people playing in the mud.


 

Clear and Cold

The weather leading up to the event had been wet and cold, Adelaide seems to be enjoying a fairly wet winter and the ground has not had much of a chance to dry out. The day before the race the temperature only reached 12.6°C, with the day of the race reaching a maximum of 14.1°C. To sum up, it was freezing!

PACC Crew Boss

As usual the Port Adelaide Crew had been out early setting up the course. The same couldn't be said for Carl and I, I think the freezing temperatures made getting out of bed difficult and by the time we arrived I barely had time for a warm up lap! Admittedly I think I would have needed many more warm up laps than I could have done in the warm up period to actually get warm, but at least I got a look at the course. As it was I was a bit late to the start line (but not last) to join the Masters 30+ Women, but in the end everybody made it to the start and then we took off. 

Concentration is key

Well at least I tried to, the cold really doesn't agree with me and my legs felt like concrete. Still, I kept making them go round long after the other riders in my group were out of sight. On the plus side, the way this race was structured meant that the 40+ and 50+ riders started in waves about 30 seconds behind the 30+ group, so I had company for a while. 
  

Another cheerful face - Kel! 
(not at the back)

Actually for much of the race, the effervescent Abbey-Leigh was just behind me and the way that the course twisted and turned meant that we were often able to cheer each other on! We're a cheerful mob at the back.

Up Mulch Hill - the hard way!

There were two muddy highlights within the race that kept all of us on our toes, firstly Mulch Hill and secondly the Forest of Doom. I think Mulch Hill was the more difficult of the two, with the approach to the hill consisting of a slushy mud puddle that would be perfect for mud wrestling toddlers. This was followed by a slippery, organic surface that we had to climb somehow. 

The other hard way

On my practice lap I had almost fallen numerous times trying to climb the left hand side so in the race I tried the right hand side and managed to get up, just. The Forest of Doom on the other hand, was more of a deep, loamy mud, the kind that developed it's own sense of direction which usually resulted in me narrowly missing trees!

Forest of DOOM!

Where do I go from here?

Two and a half laps and about 20 minutes into the so called 35 minute race, my legs finally decided that they didn't mind this whole bike riding business so why was I going so slow? I'm actually not kidding, my slowest lap time was my first and my fastest was my last. Anyway, this was kinda convenient as one of the 50+ riders, who is an awesome mountain biker, was closing fast. She managed to pass me, but I held on and passed her back, completing my third lap just in front of the riders coming in to finish. 

Racing in the mud!

Unfortunately, this meant I had to do another lap, which, while it may have been my fastest, wasn't fast enough to hold her off as she passed me once more. I tried to hold on, but my legs had decided they weren't talking to me again, so I was happy just to roll to the finish upright! On the plus side, I hadn't been lapped!

Smile - it's over!

Mr Carl's race started shortly after they got the last rider (me) of the course, but I had enough time to ride to the start line and wish him well. Then it was off to grab the camera! I still haven't worked out if it's more fun to be suffering in the race or taking photos of people suffering, either way it wasn't a bad way to spend the afternoon. 
 

Playing in the mud!

I got a few good shots of people, cheered my friends on, and generally enjoyed the carnival like atmosphere of the day. As the sun fell lower in the sky and it started to get colder, the final race came to a close and Carl and I headed out to help the crew bring the course in. After everything was neat and tidy (well as good as we could get it) we headed home for some serious bike cleaning and a shower!

Just a little bit of cleaning, right?

Hello Stem, how you doing?

One thing I did notice, after getting home and looking at the photos, was that a lot of people were looking pretty much at their bike stems (me included) when they were riding. I had been practising trying to look where I was going in recent mountain biking adventures and realised that I ought to be doing the same for CX. This was doubly confirmed in conversation with some of the more skilled (Aimee) CX women, who told me the same thing. This sounded like a goal for the next day! 

I've added a few extra photos from the day, enjoy!