The Once and Future Year

The Crazy Support Team

2015 was interesting. Exhausting in many ways, but definitely interesting. I've been feeling a bit burnt out lately so it's been easy to focus on the exhaustion, the negatives, what I haven't done. So I'm taking time out to have a look at some of the fun that I had this past year. And maybe come up with some ideas for more fun and challenges in 2016!




Highlights of 2015

Best Pub of 2015!

The Highest Pub
I've written a number of posts about the Outback Odyssey and it was an awesome experience, but nothing beats actually making it to the end. And it's pretty cool being able to say you've had a well earned beer at the highest pub in South Australia!

Lark Ascending

My partner in Crazy!

This one is all Rob Cannon's fault. He talked me into participating in the Fox Creek Duathlon as part of a team. Due to my overuse injury from the Outback Odyssey, I got the run leg. So I thought some training was in order.

One thing many of you don't know about me is that I love classical music. When I commute by car, ABC classic FM is my station of choice. And I love their swoons! So when they had the classic 100 swoons last year I knew I had to have the music blaring all over the house. But I needed to go for a training run, so what could I do?

That's how I did it too!

Thankfully, technology made this easy and a set of headphones into my phone let me listen to the wonderful calming swoons as I wandered the trails at Cobblers (don't worry, the walking only ones, I'm not going to use headphones on trails with bikes!). Soon the number one swoon came on, the Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams. It was absolute magic listening to that piece and feeling like I was flying along the trails. I was grinning like an idiot even as my camera and wallet flew out of my camelback that I hadn't zipped up properly!



Norton's Surprise

How I felt!

I'm not built like a climber, so climbs are always a challenge for me. More so since I realised that all those people telling you that you get heavier as you age weren't lying. I'd set my fastest time up Norton Summit about 5 kg ago, so I suspected that I'd have to do something about that before I'd beat that time. Simple physics really.

Norton Summit

Apparently other things change as you ride more that can offset this, stubbornness, skill, ability to suffer more. Which apparently means you can go up hills faster than the simple maths of the situations dictates. Which is my fancy way of saying I took 30 seconds off my PB when I believed I couldn't even get close to it! I rock!!!!!

"Beat my PB" Grin!

I love learning!

Friends who like learning too!

This one may suprise my workmates, as I may have been resistant to participate in some of the training this year (due to time constraints), but I have really enjoyed working in an environment where learning is important and valued. Being able to try things out, investigate how things work and having access to scientists from many disciplines has been amazing. Even when it got tough at work, I could always say that I work with amazing and talented people who made me and my brain feel valued. They also challenged me to learn more, which is awesome and something I aim to embrace more in 2016.

2016 - the future is here!
I want to touch briefly on the low light of my year in a roundabout fashion. Everywhere I've worked I've found that most people can work together really well. People are generally honest and don't try to cause each other undue pain. In my world, people are generally good. That doesn't mean that everybody gets along, everybody has different values and cultural references which do clash, but I have never met anyone who I thought was being deliberately painful. I suspect there may have been some, however I am mostly oblivious enough not to notice and I think in the work environment, I've been lucky enough to be protected from some of this by my work colleagues, for which I am very grateful. But this year brought to my door a situation where there seemed to be no path for working together and deliberate attempts to cause disharmony. I'm a problem solver by nature and I value working with a team so this was and still is a big stress to me. I don't know how to fix it, but I suspect the lesson for me here is not to fix it, but to learn to live with the stress that it causes and develop new skills for coping. So that is my biggest aim for 2016 - not to let this issue in an otherwise amazing workplace, overwhelm and drain me.

With that in mind here's my first big decision for 2016:

YOGA!!!!!

Serenity by bike

But here's the deal. I spend way more than 15 minutes on facebook and poking around the net on any given day, why can't I give myself 15 minutes doing something that I know makes me feel better? I am worth those 15 minutes, I should value myself enough to give myself 15 minutes of time to make myself better. You know, because I'm worth it! Obviously I'd like to do more than 15 minutes and I suspect that will come, but I'm starting simple.


The other idea I have to destress me is also simple - more music! Play it, listen to it, go see it. I'm going to get my tabla out and beat the stress out of me! And if that doesn't work, I'll put on the Lark Ascending and drift away to a happy place. Any suggestions of awesome music will be gratefully appreciated.

2016 - More Bike!

So what else does 2016 hold for me? Obviously there's the bike. My major goal this year is to participate in the dirty weekend. I've already lined up most of a team, though some of them may take a little more convincing. Now I just need to learn how to mountain bike. I had an unfortunate run in with the ground in a pigeon related incident last year and now all my confidence is shot. It was actually a goal for last year to ride switch backs at Cobblers and I didn't get to it. This time though I'm serious. I have my mountain bike teacher lined up (she's amazing), an event to train for where I'm going to need those skills and determination to get over this gut wrenching anxiety when the trails turn downhill. I am going to do this!

Running! Me?

Given how much I enjoyed the Fox Creek Duathlon, I want to give that another go in 2016. With my new found mountain biking skills I'm hoping to do it solo. But in case of bike related injury, I'm going to work on my running as well. Because, surprisingly, I enjoy it! So I'm going to see if I can run 100 km total for the year. Hopefully mostly on trails because running on pavement is yuck.

My food mojo didn't really come back in 2015, so I'm holding out hope for 2016. But I have secret weapons this time! Work colleagues who are passionate about food, in particular bread, are inspirational. And they might have pointed me in the direction of courses to further my skills! Here's hoping that they don't clash with other events!

I have a geek goal for this year as well. Every time I've done programming and playing with computers I've really enjoyed it so I'm getting myself a raspberry pi and am going to learn more about computers and programing. I've got no real idea what I'm going to do with it yet, though the notion of automated housebots appeals! I'll gladly accept any suggestions or challenges!

My motto for 2016 is going to be "breathe deep, fear less". Too much of 2015, particularly the later half was filled with anxiety, and that's no way to live. So I'm going to live, love and ride with everything of got and then some!

  

Live, Love and Ride!

Outback Odyssey Day 5 - The highest pub!

It's been a while since I talked about the Outback Odyssey. I ended up with an overuse injury afterward which kept me off the bike and made me very grumpy. Which meant I didn't feel like talking about bikes too much. But I'm back on the bike now and feeling much better, so on with the story!

Early morning views

Day five of the Outback Odyssey saw us leaving Wilpena Pound and heading up to Blinman. And when I say up, I mean it. Not only did we have to climb out of the pound, but we had to climb up to Blinman, South Australia's highest town. The motivation was right though, a traditional end of Mawson beer in the pub.

The night before we had been warned that we were, once again, in for some "serious riding". I also heard tales of single track next to steep drop-off's, so I was somewhat nervous. I had been worried about another freezing night, but the weather was gentle and I had one of my deepest nights sleep on the entire tour.

Morning rolling

The feeling in camp was somewhat jovial as we rolled out for what would be our last day on the trails. This may have been encouraged by a warm breakfast, nothing improves my outlook on the day like a cooked breakfast!

The Challenge!

The trails started with a reasonably gentle climb, which my legs didn't appreciate, however it did provide an early opportunity for a photo stop. From there the trail undulated through forests of native pine (I think). These trails, lit in the gentle morning light, were beautiful to ride through. My only disappointment was that I couldn't find a way to capture it on camera, but maybe some things aren't meant to be captured.

Chris!

The gentle rolling continued, mostly easy riding that flowed and brought a big smile to my face. The only difficulty were the creek crossings and drainages, where rains had caused ruts which could easily shock you out of admiring the scenery. All too soon this would end, as the trail became narrower and wound itself along a small gorge. This was the bit I had been nervous about. 

I took it easy and walked when I had to, before coming to a steep, rocky drop. Carl had already elected to walk this bit which meant I definitely wasn't going to ride it. But I wasn't alone, and a brief photography stop yielded pictures of other, far more skilled (and in Chris's case, more injured) riders treading the path of caution.

Mr Carl - back on track

After that we were back on the undulating track through pine forest. One photo stop too many and the sag wagon was back on our heels, so we decided to take off and try and put some distance between him and us. We did have an advantage over some of our other back of pack riders. We were light weights, travelling with only a saddle bag and camelback. Some of our other back of packers had panniers which held SLR cameras! 

Starting to head up

This advantage became even more evident as we were able to fly through increasingly steep and wide creek crossings. The trick with these was to get as much speed as possible on the descent into the creek so that you could make it as far as possible up the other side. With some of these slopes reaching a 20% gradient, the motivation to gain speed was high. However, this was also a bit dangerous, as ruts, sand and rocks meant that you could easily hit something that would throw you off the bike at high speed. 

Posing for a photo

I had one very close call. Maretta and I had committed to a creek crossing. I had wrapped my hands firmly around the grips, away from the brakes, and flew into the creek. Maretta's dangerous like that, she encourages me to do things I wouldn't normally do! Little did I know that there were deep ruts, deep enough that Mr Carl was frantically trying to tell me to slow down. But by the time I realised, it was too late, so I held on, put my weight back, and flew across the creek. Well, "bounced" might be a more appropriate description, but I stayed upright and fully exercised my vocal cords as I came to a stop. Wisely, I decided to walk the small remainder of the trail out of the creek, allowing my heart to return to it's customary place in my chest, rather than in my mouth!

More up, but what a view!

That crossing proved to be the worst of them and soon we left the fun single track and headed out onto a well maintained dirt road. The morning tea stop was somewhere called Razorback Lookout, and as we were currently riding along a creek this could only mean one thing. We were headed up!

We made it!

This climb would definitely prove to be the toughest and the most rewarding of the whole trip. For sections of the climb my garmin told me that the gradient was well and truly over 20%, and looking back over the file I even managed to find one 49.5% (I expect that may be an error). Walking, with regular photo breaks was the order of the day and thankfully the scenery proved up to the challenge. 

Best view of the day!

We looked back on the northern edge of Wilpena Pound, mountains stretching in all directions. Everyone was so relieved when we finally made the signposted look out, even the site of the sag wagon stalking us couldn't dampen our spirits. Panoramas and happy snaps were taken in great abundance, but one thing was clear, there was no morning tea here!

Necessities of life!

After waiting for traffic (seriously, we almost saw more cars there than we did on the highway), we rolled out, looking for a hot cuppa. As it turned out, there was one more hill, just as steep as the rest, to make us earn our treats! And I definitely treated myself, enjoying my last hot chocolate before Rory, the coffee man, left us for home.

Back on the trail!

With morning tea out the way, we rode on. As a consequence of climbing so much already, we had a rolling downhill for the best part of 15 km. There was a mixture of gravel roads and farmers tracks, and while we still had to keep an eye out for ruts and washouts, it was generally a really nice ride. Patches of sand did keep us on our toes, and me almost on my bottom, as I fishtailed through one section after getting distracted by the scenery.

The Buff (for Karen)

Soon enough the downhill ended and we headed back up. Still on the dirt, there was a mixture of steep uphills and some longer uphill drags. Once again we were faced with creek crossings, this time crossing Bulls Creek twice. For most of us, the steep, rocky terrain made the uphill impossible to ride and we settled into to a push. Some people, Mr Carl in particular, rode these impossibly steep sections like they were nothing! And then, like the true gentleman he is, waited for me at the top.

More rocks and more views

A final creek crossing brought us to lunch, just outside the Flinders Ranges National Park and next to the highway. The highway would form the final 18 km of our ride along the Mawson trail. Like everything else that day, it was up. But instead of interesting creek crossings, this was a long drag. I tucked in behind Mr Carl to shelter from the wind, although it didn't seem too strong at the time.

The highest point . . .

Upward and onward we went. With about 3 km to go, I started to wonder if this elusive Blinman pub was real or just a hallucination brought on by riding the Mawson trail. Who would stick a pub all the way up here?

The riders heading the other direction waving at us indicated that there was indeed a pub, and after one final climb (and a picture at the towns entrance), we rolled in. Russell and the volunteers had the banners out and there were bikes everywhere! We were cheered like champions as we rolled in and posed for a photo. Then to the important things - beer!

The Pub!

Well deserved beer,

with good mates!

We spent some time celebrating with friends before rolling the 5 km back to camp at Alpana Station. The relief was palpable as we set up the tent one last time, made use of the shower truck and headed to dinner. There was no rush as we enjoyed a well earned cider and tucked into a hearty vegetable soup. We shared a table with Wayne and Libby, who two years ago had taken us back from Melrose to Burra. 

Russell's day never ends!

Tea was a delicious roast, beef or lamb, I wasn't quite sure, but delicious all the same. Washed down with another cider as we celebrated our achievement to the relaxed playing of a local musician. That second cider was quite enough and we couldn't stay awake long enough for dessert. As our heads hit the pillows we could hear the party kicking on, everyone celebrating what had been an amazing journey.

Route for the day here.

Don’t fear, just trust and believe

Today, my brain is sad. It has no energy to function in this world. Every little noise makes it try to run away. The tapping of my fingers at the keyboard is almost too much. It wants to turn inwards, for me to close my eyes, block my ears, make my body as small as possible and run from this world. It wants to imagine a warm, fleece blanket, cocooning my body, protecting me from everyone. It wants a safe space, where the noises, the light, the feel of the world can’t intrude. It wants time to heal and regain energy.

How did this happen? How is it today that I am broken, scared to ask for help because it hurts too much to interact with another? Well, there’s been a perfect storm of events leading up to this. It’s hard to remember how amazing I felt at the end of Outback Odyssey, but the beginning of this is there. An overuse injury that kept me off the bike for the best part of 6 weeks. Minimal riding, I couldn't even commute, meaning that one stress relief option was no longer there. Two bad colds later also made me feel like a stranger in my own body. Ridiculously weak and scared that anything I did do would set back the healing I had undergone. So physically I was a bit of a mess. 

The next factor was work. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do and the people I do it with, there are just times where it is hard. I am not a people person, though I love interacting with my friends. Interacting with people for me is hard work. I have a knack of saying the wrong thing and have had to teach myself what are the safe and proper conversation methods. I think I'm lacking that part of my brain that will tell me if I'm likely to offend someone. On the plus side, this means I'm not so easy to offend, but it means that I have to put a lot of energy into figuring out what to say as I don’t really want to go around offending people off the bat. The problem with work is that I'm having to interact with more and more people, people that don’t seem to listen and talk to each other in the first place, or at least what one person says is different from what the other person hears. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s part of being human and learning to work together, but at the moment I feel like I'm the person trying to make sure that everyone is understood and there are just too many people to do that with. I come home and I don’t want to talk, I just want to hide in the corner and not come out.

Not having the bike to de-stress from work means that it builds up until I break. Until small things become unbearable irritants, lift doors closing too fast, people chewing. I feel like the world around me is pressing in on all sides and anything I say is going to make it worse. Or worse still, I struggle to say anything because my brain refuses to work. I try to find the words but then worry that they’re going to be wrong and the panic sets in. My brain goes round in circles, yes I know this is depression, I know it will get better, why am I like this, why can’t I just be normal? Why do I have to worry people I care about? Why can’t I fix myself? Why can’t I explain it so they won’t worry? Should I be worried? What if it doesn't pass?

I know that things will get better. But I think I need to work out better strategies for coping. I don’t like being like this, I want to play in the sunshine with my friends, but I can’t because it hurts and I'm afraid of hurting them. I don’t want to be broken any more.

That was this morning, after I’d made the decision not to race CX because I couldn't handle people. Thankfully my brain got a bit better with some TLC from Mr Carl and I was able to get out on my bike. Maretta and I rode and rode, the constant turning of the pedals allowing my mind to sort itself out. 

I had a moment of understanding on the bike. I know I suffer depression, but this seemed different, that I was stressed out beyond reason. But there was a reason, I was afraid I was failing. Not just work, but on the bike, failing my friends and Mr Carl, failing myself. I want to be a person who is strong and capable, who can look after those I care about. I want to do a good job. I have been lucky enough in my working life to be supported by some exceptional people and I want to pass that on to others I work with. I want to be trusted to do a good job and that needs to be earned. And I am afraid I am failing.

I want to be a good friend, to be there when my friends need me, to put effort into the friendships so that my friends never think I've forgotten them. I want to do this with my family, to provide some sort of cohesion as we all head in different directions, to let them know that I am there for them. I want to be a good partner, to make Mr Carl feel special and like the amazing person I know he is. And I am afraid that I am failing.

I want to be good to myself, to grow both physically and mentally, and not from eating too much cake! I want to find strength and balance in my body and mind. I want to write, to dance, to ride, to run! I want to live. And I am afraid that I am failing.

Before I left for my ride, a friend of mine put up a post that must have resonated with me. He said:

“We need to laugh at ourselves. We need to let ourselves just have fun. Otherwise what do we gain from being serious all the time?”

After I realised that I was afraid, I started laughing at myself. I had taken myself too seriously, put all the burden on myself. I believe I had told others off for doing that very thing!

I am all that I can be at the moment, and it is good enough. I can laugh at myself and know that when I fall, because I will, I have the most amazing friends to help me out. I may be afraid I am failing, but I am doing the best that I can, and at the end of the day, it will be enough. I need to remember a mantra I learnt many years ago, from a book picked up in a two dollar stand;

“Don’t fear, just trust and believe.” – Travels with a Wise Man

I believe I can do this, and if I can’t, I trust that there are many amazing people in my life that can help me. And together we can do this.

Outback Odyssey Day 4 - The Flinders Ranges in all it's glory!

Sunrise

Rawnsley Park was definitely the coldest night, which didn't lend itself to sleeping in, but I tried. At breakfast I heard stories of ice on peoples tents, and we gathered round the heaters to warm up our tired bodies. But the mood was relaxed an jovial, for all we were freezing! Today was only 27 km. After the last couple of days it was a pleasant change.

Glorious singletrack!

The cold must have affected me more than I realised, as I found myself nursing a sore knee. I'm sure it wouldn't have had anything to do with the three days hard riding previously! Spinning was the order of the day. While it was disappointing not to be able to power through what would turn out to be mostly amazing singletrack, nursing the knee let me stop regularly for photos.

Fred

The scenery definitely encouraged regular photo breaks. The single track out of Rawnsley Park took us along the southern edge of Wilpena Pound. Everybody was enjoying themselves, we were rarely alone at our photostops. Fred in particular, made frequent use of his camera, so much so that we soon left him behind!

Creek crossings

The track undulated, dipping down to cross creeks then climbing back up. With my knee feeling tender, I was cautious and walked some of the rockier crossings. But I'd love to go back and ride that section, it was probably my favourite of the whole trip! It would be an amazing 24 hour endurance course if it looped back the entrance road of Rawnsley Park, but unfortunately it didn't and soon we were spat out onto the highway.

Watch for markers!

The highway section was a gentle rise and plenty of scenery to distract us. It ran along the eastern edge of Wilpena Pound and even here there were plenty of photo stops. However, we had been warned the night before to "watch for the red arrows" as the turn off from the highway was easy to miss, so we were paying close attention to our surroundings. 

Mr Carl -  "It's really big!"

When we passed the information centre, we knew the turn off was close. Sure enough, two red arrows attached to a Mawson marker pointed us in the right direction. If we hadn't been watching, it would have been easy to miss!

Old Telegraph Track

There was only a short bit of climbing left before the road turned downward, but there was still plenty of scenery. My knee had warmed up and I was feeling decidedly better the closer I got to Wilpena. We rode along the old telegraph track that still had some of the telegraph poles (or replicas) in place. This brought us out at the north eastern edge of Wilpena Pound and onto the road into the resort where we were staying.

Made it!

We cruised into camp and faced what would be our biggest dilemma of the day, where would we put the tent? We actually put it up in one location, but the ground was so hard that we had to pick it up and move it! Eventually we settled in, got changed and headed to lunch.

This also was more challenging than the ride, as the resort is actually a fairly big place when you're walking. After a few false starts we headed in the right direction and conveniently past the masseurs. Luck was all mine as I expected all the early arrivals to have filled up the available slots, but I managed to book a whole hour of being pampered/tortured! 

With a smile on my face, we headed to lunch. Food was plentiful and varied, and included cake and fruit salad for dessert! We caught up with friends and relaxed in very pleasant, sunlit surrounds. However, we did need to do some bike maintenance, so we headed back to the tent.

Mobile bike mechanic

The bikes had held up well given everything we'd thrown at them, but they were starting to sound a bit grindy. We went over our respective drive trains with wet ones then Carl lubed the chains as headed off for my massage. An hour of torture and a hot chocolate later and I was feeling more myself.

Happy Campers!

Tea was held in the marquee again and was a very boisterous affair. Music accompanied dinner, provided by "On ya Bike". Food was plentiful and tasty and the company was excellent. The main in particular was excellent, consisting of roast chicken, beef stroganoff with rice, pasta, wedges and a big serve of veggies steamed to perfection. How they managed that for over 200 people is beyond me, but I was glad to have such a filling and tasty meal. 

The evening wound up with the introduction of a new weather girl, Christina, as well as a warning about tomorrows trails. 'Beware the ruts and the washouts,' rang in my ears, louder than the music, as we headed back to the tent for a good night sleep.

Route for the day here